Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
