I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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