She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
