I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
