a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
