Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
