you would pick up someone in the library
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
