She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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