Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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