My Higher Power is John Stamos
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
