I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
