I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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