i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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