Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
They took my balls.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
