why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
