There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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