I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
