Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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