Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I came so hard my ears popped.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize