We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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