No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize