all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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