highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I lost the right to judge tonight
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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