I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Randomize
