he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
