So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize