Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
