R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
