it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
