i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
