I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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