Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize