when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
