My cat gives me a boner
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize