A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
