I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
