I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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