we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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