I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
