My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize