You really coming over, don't trick.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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