i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize