i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Well I just put wine in my tea
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
