if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
