my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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