Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
