In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
