Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
