I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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