We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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