turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
