I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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