Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
